HOLIDAY CONFLICT

HOLIDAY CONFLICT

Every year as the holidays approach there is a tendency at times for nerves to get a little bit frayed or sometimes a lot. When this happens, often frustration builds and anger can be instant. It’s more likely that irritation has had some time to simmer so that when someone flies off the handle for an action or some words from someone else – especially from a family member- it may seem unwarranted or out of proportion with the occurrence.

In families this happens because we have been around each other for many years and come to know behavior or comments that other family members make that we don’t like and if we are under any stress at all – for a variety of reasons or even self-imposed, we can snap . We may then feel the other person deserved our anger or we rationalize to ourselves that we were tired, entitled to get mad or just don’t care right then. Other times we may feel guilty and sometimes we may actually try to understand why we lost it at that particular time. Regardless of everything- fighting and arguing, harboring angry resentment happens in many homes and is exacerbated by holiday tension.

So how do we deal with this?

What we usually want to achieve is some kind of peace again. We want to get past it. Here are a few things you can do that might help:

1.Consider that the other person was not intending to hit a nerve. Take a deep breath.

2.Listen to what they actually said. Paraphrase what you understood them to be saying. If you understood correctly, and disagree, or have your feelings hurt, say so, but leave out the expletives and name-calling especially. Siblings do a lot of this. If the situation is an on-going- back and forth repartee, parents might step in and ask the siblings or a partner or child to connect with one another for the holidays.

3.Learn how to really listen without using blocks to listening. We block unknowingly in many ways; distractions, comparing, day-dreaming, attitudes, assumptions, rehearsing what we plan to say next, judging the other person, filtering what we hear and don’t, derailing and changing the subject, being right, sparring, placating and advising, dominating and even more ways.

4.Try to put yourself in their shoes. Consider where they might be coming from. Realize that they too might be stressed or worried.

5.After you listen to the other person, ask them if they are willing to hear your point of view. If you haven’t barked his/her head off, he or she should be willing to listen to you.

6.If a problem needs to be solved or a decision made and there are opposing perspectives, once you have listened carefully to one another, if no compromise can be found, consider an alternative. Invite ideas from other family members if need be. Ultimately you want to feel like each of you was heard and understood and that the results were reasonably satisfying to each of you.

7.Let go. Was it that important? Will you even remember what the argument or difference of opinion was about next week? If you love or care about your family member, think about the positives. If one person seems to always lean toward the negative, ask them to really make an effort, for the happiness of all the family , to be optimistic, think positively and just give it a try.

Negative thinkers can be very hard to cope with. Sometimes the best results are to side-step the argument. Re-think a way to do what you need to do. Take the lead and control the situation. After the holidays, marital issues like that can be discussed privately (or with a counselor/coach) as this is likely a long term need rather than just seasonal.

When a Loved One Needs Care

Taking care of a loved one who is ill becomes a personal sacrifice if the illness or injury lingers. For many adult children, a parent's inability to recover within a short time frame means giving up the lightness you may feel in your own life for a period of time. It's as though you are on an indefinite hold. Like an airplane that is ready to land, but can't because of the fog.

Often the caregiver, besides feeling physically tired, is dealing with many other emotions and feels continuously under pressure to put the other person’s needs first and foremost in their own lives. Sacrifice happens and remorse, sometimes resentment and ultimately guilt for feeling resentful. Adjusting and finding some degree of balance in your life at this time is difficult.

Some family members are gracious and accepting. Others may tend to avoid discussions regarding the parent or relative, vainly trying to keep their own feelings in check or trying to stay in a strong position to actually help you. This may appear as disinterest or avoidance and requires some skill in broaching the subject and allowing the family member to express what they too are going through. This requires listening skills on your part, adding more weight on top of an already heavy situation.

For some, this is a ritual, having lost someone dear to them before. However that does not mean that the intensity of the worry, concern, dismay and sadness is any less. For others there is a sureness that their loved one will recover fully, or even partially, while still others survive believing there is at least a ray of hope.

Caregivers for those with dementia or Alzheimer’s, or family or a friend recovering from a stroke are beset upon with overwhelming emotions eventually. Knowing that a partner or parent’s memory will decline monumentally and that anger, frustration and erratic behavior often occurs is like experiencing a double loss. It’s not just the concern for the afflicted one, but it is on top of the pressure of the responsibility and the giving up of time for yourself that you used to have hopefully, before accepting or having no choice to be the primary support person.

Having a partner who is sympathetic and empathic will unquestionably help with relief and support. Attending a group of other individuals who are in similar positions is also beneficial for those caring for others. But taking care, taking good care of yourself is of paramount importance.

This of course includes the basics which people tend to sacrifice the most, getting enough sleep, eating right and enough (not too much) and exercising as much as possible and as needed. It also includes getting others to give you breaks. Have someone else set up a schedule of available friends and relatives. Take a complete day and night away, leaving your loved one with someone you trust. Take time to have date night and time to be with your children or attend some function of theirs. Play with your pets. Visit with your own friends. Try to do some of the work you usually do with your job or profession. Use relaxation techniques, hypnosis, guided imagery, meditation. Even prayer is a way of shifting the responsibility for awhile to a higher power.

If possible activities with the person you love which range from showing them new technology, to scrapbooking, to reading to them, visiting, attending to what they might like to do, including, if ambulatory or in a wheelchair- taking them outside, going for a short walk, especially in fair weather is delightful and helps with both mental and physical improvement.

If the person you are caring for is terminal, the more you prepare, the more your period of grief will be manageable. If this person will linger long term, enlist outside help if you can and ultimately hospice. If your loved one is recuperating and will recover partially or fully, you have that to look forward to with a positive attitude and frame of mind. Planning for this happier time period can and will also help you balance as you make this transition as well.

For more in depth reading on the topic, please click on(or copy and place in your browswer)these links.

http://www.lakesidemilam.com/MedicalSupportServices2.htm
http://www.mylifetime.com/lifestyle/health/caring-dying-parent
http://www.caringinfo.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?pageid=1
http://www.terminalillness.co.uk/caring-for-a-dying-parent.html

Sliding out of Unhappy Spaces

By now, with all the literature and articles available about depression vs. the blues vs. being out of sorts or just plain "blah" and other nomenclature used to describe feelings when you are other than content or outright happy or joyful, we know enough to recognize, stress from overwhelm from "burn out". Still there are days when we can't quite get a grip on the "down" feelings and even if we do intellectualize or analyze them correctly, we still may not be able to pull ourselves out of them. Sometimes we don't even want to pull ourselves out. Maybe we are too darn tired to do that. Still the nagging awareness that being in the dumps is not really where we want to be, causes us to make choices about what works best for us to move past them.

In the years ago sitcom Ally McBeal, she and other women resorted to eating their favorite ice cream right out of the 1/2 gallon cardboard container. In a world where women are forever watching their weight, something about that seemed right. Like we are entitled to do that when we feel sad or hurt so it was ok to eat large amounts of sugar right from the tub. Other people withdraw from interaction. Kind of like hiding out in your room 'til the dark clouds pass. Others use it as an excuse to be impolite, terse in response to others, pout, send people away. Some people sleep.

Over the years I've learned a variety of ways from clients and friends about coping with these heavy feeling days. Some of these may work for you or be worth a try if you have not tried them before:

*Narrow down and isolate specific reasons for your feelings.

*If the feeling is hurt, and you feel it in the pit of your stomach it's so bad, determine the very first time you ever felt this feeling. Does whatever is happening now that makes you feel this way harken back to the sensitivity that occured the first time? If so is the emotion exascerbated or intensified because of this sensitivity? If so, perhps you can re-evaluate it and find that this time it is not really as bad as it seemed.

*Are you taking on the woes of someone else? Is it beginning to engulf you? If so can you visually slide that burden off of you, particularly if there is no direct way for you to help in the situation for the other person or persons? You do not have to own the problem also.

*Are you a natural born worrier? Be conscious of it. Does the situation really require worrying? If so, is the degree of your worrying out of proportion with what the reality is? Move on mentally to other work, or interact with someone else. Get involved with something you like to do. Take some positive action.

*Can you reframe the issue? Is there another perspective you can gain from that issue? Perhaps you could perceive an advantage or some relief from the situation you had not seen before.

*Can you categorize the feeling as resulting from being overwhelmed and begin to prioritize and set goals for either accoplishing the tasks at hand or diminishing them by delegating or finding another way to bring you relief?

*Is the problem one of burn-out? If so you have been struggling with it for awhile. Make some plans for a new path of action to set your goals for. Take a rest, hot bath, jacuzzi. Have a massage, a pedicure. Play a pick up game of basketball, join a sports team set up in Parks & Recreation. Can't leave your computer? Play solataire or other games online during your lunch break if you can't get away. Watch low brow TV, anything that takes no effort, as long as you can enjoy it to some degree. Take time for your children - to just watch and enjoy them. Play with your dog or cat. Get a hug from a lover. Check your vitamin intake and get a blood panel done and a physical. Set some action steps to move through.

*Momentarily feeling stress from issues you usually can handle? Is there a physical component that causes you to be low on energy? Can you cut yourself some slack because of that and just be? Physical exercise, especially cardio exercise can reduce the negative feeling. Eat properly, forget the ice cream. Determine the stress and effective methods to reduce or eliminate it. You know how to do this within yourself because you undoubtedly have had to do it before. Sometimes little prayers help for some as well.

If you still feel like molten lead emotionally and are dreading continuing like that, help someone else with their problem. Tell yourself that you are not going to indulge yourself and wallow in the abyss any longer. Rather take action to move out of the deep hole you slipped into. Get on your own case! It's fine to remind yourself of people less fortunate than you are, but actually actively doing something kind, generous, or just listening to someone else express their problem or needs will help you. Becoming involved with helping others recover allows you to distract yourself from the either the comfortable negative space you find yourself in, or the higly uncomfortable, anxiety ridden, out-in-the-open vulnerability to the slightest discomfort space you might be in.

No one to help? Journalize. Write in a diary. Send an e-mail to a friend who will actually read it and respond supportively. Go to a class or seminar. Listen to a sermon in church. Read a novel or just peruse those magazines you never get a chance to read.

The sun will come up tomorrow as Orphan Annie always said. Make it happen. (Thanks Tim).

JUMP START SUCCESS NOW!!

There's something about summer that's left over from school days. When summer arrives, a lot of us kind of hit the brakes and coast a little as we go through these hotter months-especially if you are a teacher. That's not to say if you are an instructor that you sit around eating bonbons, not at all. Most teachers I know either teach other classes, summer school, or are busy preparing at least some work for the next semester. Even if you are not in teaching, September brings in a new year of sorts. That leaves the summer months to think about what you plan to do, need to do, or want to do for that upcoming time.

For many the Autumn months are a kick off time to make the second half of the year show the profits we want. It's not a time to slow down. But making that work means setting up plans and doing it creatively and effectively in order to take action that brings the desired results when we are ready. Often this involves introducing a new product, a new promotion, a new service- one that coincides with the season.

If you compete with others, your plan will involve excelling, if you are an entrepreneur- the summer may serve as a think tank to bring about results in the months ahead. All of this takes focus and the beauty of summer creates many distractions that hold us up. Often the thought is along the lines of: "Well, I have lots of time- the whole summer to do this." "I should be planning, but it can wait." That procrastinatination often leads to last minute preparation, and working under pressure. Working under pressure, even if you are good at it, creates stress. You, your body, your partner and family all feel it one way or another.

Group coaching to Jump Start your successes, whether it involves self growth, business development, relationship improvement or other endeavors, is an excellent process to get what you want. An incredible special summer rate of only $98.95 per month will be given each of you. 5 people to a group, tele-sessions are once a week for two months, with e-mail follow up and exercises to help you advance on your own as well. Groups can also be conducted online via video conferencing so that we can see and hear one another at the same time. To reserve a place for the July 19, 2010 sessions please e-mail me at docaurum@aol.com. We'll set up a time to talk. When you join, all information and coaching materials will be sent to you as well.

Looking forward to working together on your future-

COACHING WORKS DIRECTLY TO ACHIEVE GOALS

Coaching is so beneficial, whether I am availing myself of the opportunity or working in a co-creative process with someone else. I'm continuously amazed at how some of the non-essential areas that emerge during coaching are carefully put on the side and the main issue brought to the forward. It's exciting to see the steps that are taken toward solving a problem or making a decision and having not only clarity about it, but confidence that what you have discovered is so meaningful to you. Any issues held for another time are given careful consideration, but do not bog down the goal. E-mail re-caps too, help you to remember easily everything we covered. Contact me to set up a complimentary 20 minute session if you like. It's a tele-session so you can live anywhere.

Although I cover all areas of relationship interaction, I do work with individual needs in virtually any area that I am qualified for. I can also work with couples at the same time. I can do this with no extra charge for you in and audio and video session online if you like rather than on the telephone. Couple coaching is especially excellent this way and although I am on the West Coast, you could be in New York or anywhere is the states. Often my clients comment on how much they enjoy the face to face interaction also.

I hope you'll take a look at the CLEAR TRANSITIONS website and check out my background and services, products and fees.

Thanks for visiting and please check in often

Natural Health Cures with Cinnamon & Honey

You know that expression, "I'm trying to catch a cold?" I don't use it beause I think it's framed as a negative when I am trying to AVOID catching a cold. So right now, being that I am fighting a cold, a nice friend of mine sent me this information below. For those of you who prefer to go natural (and who doesn't any more?) take a look at the marvels of raw, local honey and cinnamon (pure- not cut with other substances).

Cinnamon and Honey ~ Honey can be used without any side effects for any kind of diseases.Today's science says that even though honey is sweet, if taken in the right dosage as a medicine, it does not harm diabetic patients. Weekly World News, a magazine in Canada , in its issue dated 17 January,1995 has given the following list of diseases that can be cured by honey and cinnamon as researched by western scientists:
HEART DISEASES:Make a paste of honey and cinnamon powder, apply on bread, instead of jelly and jam, and eat it regularly for breakfast.. It reduces the cholesterol in the arteries and saves the patient from heart attack. Also those who have already had an attack, if they do this process daily, they are kept miles away from the next attack. Regular use of the above process relieves loss of breath and strengthens the heart beat.
Arthritis patients:May take daily, morning, and night, one cup of hot water with two spoons of honey and one small teaspoon of cinnamon powder. If Taken regularly even chronic arthritis can be cured. In a recent research conducted at Copenhagen University, it was found that when the doctors treated their patients with a mixture of one tablespoon of Honey and half teaspoon of cinnamon powder before breakfast, they found that within a week, out of the 200 people so treated, practically 73 patients were totally relieved of pain, and within a month, mostly all the patients who could not walk or move around because of arthritis started walking without pain.
BLADDER INFECTIONS:Take two tablespoons of cinnamon powder and one teaspoon of honey in a glass of lukewarm water and drink it.. It destroys the germs in the bladder.
Facts on Honey and Cinnamon:It is found that a mixture of honey and cinnamon cures most diseases. Honey is produced in most of the countries of the world. Scientists of today also accept honey as a 'Ram Ban' (very effective) medicine or all kinds of diseases.
COLDS:Those suffering from common or severe colds should take one tablespoon lukewarm honey with 1/4 spoon cinnamon powder daily for three days. This Process will cure most chronic cough, cold, and clear the sinuses.
CHOLESTEROL:Two tablespoons of honey and three teaspoons of Cinnamon Powder mixed in 16 ounces of tea water, given to a cholesterol patient, was found to reduce The level of cholesterol in the blood by 10 percent within two hours. As mentioned for arthritic patients, if taken three times a day, any chronic cholesterol is cured. According to information received in the said Journal, pure honey taken with food daily relieves complaints of cholesterol.
GAS:According to the studies done in India and Japan , it is revealed that if honey is taken with cinnamon powder the stomach is relieved of gas..
IMMUNE SYSTEM:Daily use of honey and cinnamon powder strengthens the immune system and protects the body from bacteria and viral attacks. Scientists have found that honey has various vitamins and iron in large amounts. Constant use of honey strengthens the white blood corpuscles to fight bacteria and viral diseases.
INDIGESTION:Cinnamon powder sprinkled on two tablespoons of honey taken before food relieves acidity and digests the heaviest of meals.
INFLUENZA:A scientist in Spain has proved that honey contains a natural 'Ingredient' Which kills the influenza germs and saves the patient from flu.
LONGEVITY:Tea made with honey and cinnamon powder, when taken regularly, arrests the ravages of old age. Take four spoons of honey, one spoon of cinnamon powder And three cups of water and boil to make like tea. Drink 1/4 cup, three to four times a day. It keeps the skin fresh and soft and arrests old age. Life spans also increases and even a 100 year old, starts performing the chores of a 20-year-old.
PIMPLES:Three tablespoons of honey and one teaspoon of cinnamon powder paste apply this paste on the pimples before sleeping and wash it next morning with Warm water. If done daily for two weeks, it removes pimples from the root.
SKIN INFECTIONS:Applying honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts on the affected parts cures eczema, ringworm and all types of skin infections.
WEIGHT LOSS:Daily in the morning one half hour before breakfast on an empty stomach and at night before sleeping, drink honey and cinnamon powder boiled in one cup of water. If taken regularly, it reduces the weight of even the most obese person. Also, drinking this mixture regularly does not allow the fat to accumulate in the body even though the person may eat a high calorie diet.
CANCER:Recent research in Japan and Australia has revealed that advanced cancer of the stomach and bones have been cured successfully. Patients suffering from these kinds of cancer should daily take one tablespoon of honey with one teaspoon of cinnamon powder for one month three time s a day..
FATIGUE:Recent studies have shown that the sugar content of honey is more helpful rather than being detrimental to the strength of the body. Senior citizens, who take honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts, are more alert and flexible. Dr. Milton, who has done research, says that a half tablespoon of honey taken in a glass of water and sprinkled with cinnamon powder, taken daily after brushing and in the afternoon at about 3:00 P.M. When the vitality of the body starts to decrease, increases the vitality of the body within a week.
BAD BREATH:People of South America , first thing in the morning, gargle with one teaspoon of honey and cinnamon powder mixed in hot water, so their breath stays fresh throughout the day.
HEARING LOSS:Daily morning and night honey and cinnamon powder, taken in equal parts restore hearing. Remember when we were kids? We had toast with real butter and cinnamon sprinkled on it!
ARTHRITIS:In America and Canada , various nursing homes have treated patients successfully and have found that as you age, the arteries and veins lose their flexibility and get clogged; honey and cinnamon revitalize the arteries and veins. You might want to share this information with a friend, kinfolks and love ones
UPSET STOMACH:Honey taken with cinnamon powder cures stomach ache and also clears stomach ulcers from the root.

Language Patterns Start in the Womb

A recent article in an AOL news section describes a new finding which is that babies still in the womb are picking up elements of their parents native tongue. Up until now we have taught and been taught that children have to learn through their parents after birth to imitate sounds and how to communicate and what to communicate. When scientists recorded and analyzed the cries of 60 healthy newborns, born to French or German speaking households, the analysis revealed clear differences in the melodies of their cries based on their native tongue.

These researchers believe that the development of language is rooted in melody and the findings listed above support the idea. Music and language might have co-evolved for a certain time during evolution and share a primordial form of communication system, says Kathleen Wermke, a medical anthropologist at the University of Wurzberg in Germany. (November 5, 2009 -Current Biology).

What a fascinating bit of research. It puts me in mind of the many different documentaries and even films that demostrate the power of melody and the connection to language in other ways. I think first of slavery in the United States and how information was passed among African people to convey news and warnings and other information. In the film Australia, the young half white/half aborigine, called a "creamy" in a derrogative manner talks about his aborigine grandfather "singing it" to him. The "it" might be a location, an answer to a question, or even a request.

Because the research indicates that babies are hearing this in the womb first, and since we already know that babies can hear in the womb, singing to your child, reading to your child and Mom even cooing or crying influences aspect, tone, and patterns of the way your child develops his or her language.

Perhaps you have already noticed this in your own children or in the children of parents whom you know well.